Saturday, December 8, 2012

Shoals Area Barbies,…….

I was sitting here this morning and had remembered seeing years ago a funny satire of Barbie and the Shoals area. After googling it the only thing I found was from another blog,… Transplanted Tennesseean in Montana There seemed to be more towns listed, like Killen, Cherokee and maybe Leighton but this is all I could find.
Florence Barbie
This princess Barbie is only available at English Village. She comes with optional Volvo sedan or luxury SUV and lives in a waterfront dream house. Available with or without facelift and tummy tuck and comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags and sorority T-shirts. Florence Ken comes with optional Clark's Wallabies and an assortment of The North Face fleeces/jackets. He is available at Alabama Outdoors.

Sheffield Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Central Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, three cans of hairspray, 48-color eye shadow and eye liner kit and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream double wide trailer. Available at Walmart.

Tuscumbia Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Available at Cold Water Books.

Muscle Shoals Barbie
This gossip-queen Barbie comes glued to the front seat of her Ford Expedition with your choice of two children that comes with his or her own personalized baseball, soccer ball or softball sticker for the back windshield. Muscle Shoals Barbie is only sold as a two-pack with Ballpark Midge so that they can discuss how much better they are than Tuscumbia Barbie. Ken comes with his own coaching uniform because it's the only way he can see the kids. He's too busy working so he can afford to move Muscle Shoals Barbie to Florence like she told him to. Available at Target.

Russellville Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Russellville Barbie or Ken. Available only at Dollar General.

Central Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at Northwest-Shoals Community College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Walmart.

And in addition to these, the new Divorced Barbie is hitting the stores this holiday season. She comes will all of Ken’s stuff. Available at fine stores everywhere.


  1. Karma Barbie
    This Barbie comes complete with anti-wrinkle cream, Miss Clairol Midnight Brown hair dye, two pair of high-water yoga pants, a three pack of genie bras, and a paint-stained fleece pullover. Additionally, Karma Barbie is equipped with three month supplies of Xanax, Zyprexa, Abilify, Risperdal, Geodon, Clozapine, Avonex, Betaseron, Extavia, Rebif, a pack of adult diapers, and stick on hormone patches. Orthopedic shoes sold separately. Just in time for the holidays, Karma Barbie will be sold for a limited time only double set with Prison Bitch Ken. Prison Bitch Ken includes an ankle monitoring bracelet, a shank, and a bar of soap. Available soon: Dr. DJ (Dorcas) Barbie (comes with bogus online degree from sketchy metaphysical university)
    *Karma Barbie or Prison Bitch Ken are not available at any local retailers including Cold Water Books.

    1. I is a good thing Karma Barbie does not come with a gun. She could hurt herself ,taking all that medication.

  2. That's hilarious. I expect it'll be duplicated by those incapable of original thought very soon.

    I'll claim Florence Barbie, but Florence Ken also comes with a set of golf clubs, a Sea Ray cruiser, and a country club membership. There are two models. One with the Coffee flip and the other with the Bradshaw tuck.

  3. Oh yeah,... it'll be duplicated with names.

  4. HaHa! I remember this.

    Don't the Karma Barbie come as a part of the Henchbroad barbie group?

    1. Henchbroad Skipper,... A cougar who marries Rapist Kenika. Kenika used to be Ken until prison then went the way of the female in relationships.

    2. He comes with one of those new at home HIV tests.

  5. Don't forget the one that comes with matches to burn down old boyfriend's houses. How many Kens has she gone thru?

  6. Thanks for your comments, OB. I could remember and find only those six.

    I seem to remember a State Line Barbie, though.

  7. I seem to remember the Stat Line Barbie too now that you mention it.